I currently host
three women’s retreat each year. For the
last two retreats, I added a session called, “Fear Not!” I finally have authority in this area, and as
a counselor, I encounter many people who struggle with fear - and for good
reasons. Fear is the antithesis of the love
of God. Satan loves to use it against
us. But “Perfect love casts out fear” (1
John 4:18). When you fully realize the
love of God, you know that you are never alone and hence you do not struggle
with irrational fear because the One who
is with you is bigger than the object of your fear! Now I realize you might have natural fear if
a poisonous spider jumps on you, but you don’t walk around with constant fear
once you knock it off.
But what about the
many who experience ongoing fear because they have suffered a traumatic event
or even a series of traumatic events in life.
It is true that we live in a fallen world where the enemy seeks someone
to devour and, without adequate prayer and intercession, sometimes he is successful
- using the wounds of humanity as the ammunition of his weapon. But even in this, God’s love is the
redemptive salve for our wounds. The key
is to seek that healing from Him. This
is where many fall short in that they willingly receive salvation for their
sins, but stop short of all that Jesus died to pay for and was powerfully
resurrected to overcome – including the healing of our mind and emotions! Some simply don’t know how to obtain
this. For others, it gives an excuse to
remain angry, bitter, or needy.
This was my story
for many years – 45 to be exact! I
carried a lot of fear for a very long time and I went through various stages in
my deliverance. I had been pursued by
the enemy from birth. Death seemed to be
chasing me and many times it appeared that Death would have its prey. Except for God’s sovereign will for my life
and the prayers of saints who agreed with that truth, I would have been gone
before birth, before age 5, at age 8 and many times afterwards. It was like that movie “Ground Hog Day” where
you re-live the same scenario over and over again, hoping for it to change so
you can move on. Death pursued me through illness, accidents,
through controlled, tormented souls; and then replayed its tactics in my
dreams. If I had not known the Lord and had
somehow lived through all of those horrific experiences, I know I would have
lost my mind.
My life would have
made a great movie script. It was so
surreal. And yet, I have eye-witnesses
to corroborate my stories. When I was
bleeding to death just after my daughter was born, I remember someone hearing
my Father say, “How many times do we have to nearly lose her?” They suffered as much or more than I just by
being the parents of one who had been given this strange life.
I’ve said it more
than once and I’ll say it again and again, “All things work together for the
good of those who love God and are the called according to His purpose” (Romans
8:28). If any Scripture has ever fit my
life story, this is one of them. I can
honestly say that there has been a redemptive purpose for everything that has
happened to me.
I have already written
about an invitation God gave me to walk closer with him in 1996. At some point not too far into that journey,
He baited me with something that would make me hungry for freedom from my life
of fear. This experience would keep me
hungering for the pursuit of my freedom.
I was in the Christian bookstore one day and two or three very colorful
little books caught my eye. The first in
the little series was called “Hinds Feet on High Places” by Hannah Hurnard. I was so intrigued by the cover and felt such
an inner witness to buy it that I did. In
fact I purchased all three books in the set.
I began to read the
first of these little books and I found that the main character, “Much Afraid”
(who was allegorically the author) also resembled me to a great extent. Although I didn’t have mean relatives who
tormented me, there were many others who had and still did – both seen and
unseen.
Much Afraid wanted
to take a journey with another character in the book called “The Good Shepherd”,
who represented Jesus. But her fearing
relatives (like the demons that tormented me) kept telling her how she was too
this or too that or not enough this or that to make the journey. They told her that she couldn’t trust the
Good Shepherd and needed to stay away from him.
One day, her cousin
Craven Fear came to her cottage to taunt her.
Much Afraid cried out in anguish and SUDDENLY, another character
appeared at the window of the cottage shouting, “Away! Be Gone!”
It was the character called, “Mrs. Valiant” and at the sound of her
voice, Craven Fear ran away fearing for his own life. He was responding to the voice of
authority. This happened on a couple of
occasions in the story. After I read the
entire journey of Much Afraid, I knew that my life would never be the same. I literally lived parts of that little book. But one of the biggest things I took away
from it was a deep longing to be Mrs. Valiant.
I wanted to be the one who rescued those in anguish. I wanted her confidence and boldness. So,
just as the Lord knew I would; I prayed to become like her. Year after year, He encouraged me to hold on
to that desire, as it was my destiny and one of the reasons He called my
attention to this book.
The years that
followed were lessons in becoming that beloved character. My journey began with becoming an
intercessor. There were times that I
prayed so passionately with the Lord’s burden, I thought my heart would
burst. I would cry out, “Oh God! I could
die right here Lord and be totally satisfied in Your Presence!” I saw many miracles because of the way He
taught me to pray. Next, He called me to
minister freedom to those who were hurting and held captive in their pain. I was still battling fear, but I stepped out
in spite of it and began to train. The
Lord led many extremely wounded souls across my path. Somehow they just found me. I had no organized ministry for such a thing,
but they always found me. Some I never
even knew their name. Phone calls would
come in from places that stunned me and I didn’t even know the people who would
refer them or how they even got my phone number. It was amazing! But I learned how to follow the Lord’s lead
and He always, somehow in spite of me, touched and healed many of them. I made a lot of mistakes that His grace covered
and in hindsight, I wished I knew then what I know now. Some would be much better off. But some sow, some water, and the Lord brings
the harvest. I’m sure that the seeds I planted
in some of them were brought to fruition through someone else’s compassionate
and more experienced help. Thank God for
the Body of Christ!
As I ministered, I
would come under attack – a retaliation of which I came to expect. This was my first mistake. I teach people now that if the enemy didn’t
attack us, he would be out of a job, so it is silly to think that he won’t try
it. However, we are walking this Kingdom
road doing the work of God, deputized to enforce the victory of Christ! If the enemy crosses our path, we just knock
him off with the authority Christ gave us and keep on going. But we don’t live in fearful expectation of
the attack! And when he attacks, we don’t entertain it! Never!
That’s like faith in reverse! I
had to learn this the hard way and over a period of years. (I wish I were a quicker study, but it took a
long time for my independence to wear down, sad to say!)
So I stepped out in
faith to do the ministry to which I was called, but with a full-blown fear of
the enemy. I would minister and he would
attack. Eventually, I got tired of his
picking on me, so then instead of hiding
in the covers of my bed, I would get up
and walk into the living room to engage him in battle. It was ridiculous. I rant and rave in prayer and he would just keep me going until I was worn out. Finally, I got tired of him robbing my sleep
and even invading my home, especially at night. The day came when I finally figured out who
I was in Christ and all of the benefits that He bought for me as a
believer. I had no idea how much I had
in Him! But once I got it, fear left and
I quit tolerated much at all from the enemy.
After that, the attacks dwindled almost down to nothing and I learned
that the enemy will only do what we are willing to tolerate! Every now and then something will happen, but
now I take care of it without hesitation and it’s over as quickly as it
comes.
What a difference the Truth has
made in my life and ministry! The truth
will certainly set you free – but you must know it in your heart and not just your
head. You put it into action and experience it for yourself and THAT knowledge
will really set you free. Why? Because your experience of the truth is what
changes your beliefs. Satan knows that
most Christians don’t really believe what they read and sometimes profess. It’s one thing to say “Amen” to a statement
or a sermon, but it’s another entirely to live it or to exercise it in your daily
life. It took me years to get that. I
fought numerous unnecessary battles, for one thing because I like
fighting. Sorry if that sounds weird,
but I love all types of fighting (Martial Arts, Sword Fighting, Street
Fighting; I like it all – but only when the good guys win and the bad guys
lose!) I have a strong core value of
justice. But what I failed to understand
and accept was that the battle is not ours but the Lord’s! I wanted to fight alongside Him as if it were
my place. What I needed to understand is
that I get to rest IN HIM and He fights my battles through my exercising the
authority I have in Him. I simply hone
in on what I believe, state it emphatically with the authority He gave me and then
the enemy recognizes that belief and responds accordingly – every time.
The Bible says that
“Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God.” I had an epiphany about this one day. Faith comes by hearing…hearing what? God’s voice.
And hearing [God’s voice] comes by a thorough knowledge of the Word of
God. Why? Because confidence is raised through a
thorough knowledge of God’s character, which we come to know very well through
reading the entirety of His Word. As I
read it through and through, year after year, my ability to hear His voice
increased and thus my experience with Him increased and thus my faith increased. This really solidifies the truth about the
authority God has given us and we exercise it with more confidence when we KNOW
(by experience) that we are IN CHRIST, that we are never alone, and that we are
full of the Holy Spirit.
Now I have been
ministering freedom to others for over 15 years! And I love it!
In the process, God has taken a self-centered only child, farm raised
and rough around the edges - one who was not very gentle at all and full of
fear; and turned her into a compassionate, gentle warring Princess who has a
Mother’s heart for almost everyone she meets!
No kidding! I LOVE people! Many times I scratch my head and think, "Now how did this happen again?" And it is because I learned a secret in
prayer. I try to never ask the Lord, “Help
me do this or that”. I now say, “Lord,
just do this through me! You have the
power and the wisdom to do it, not me.”
So the only action I need to take is to YIELD to Him. And trust me, that is sometimes more
challenging than you might think. In
fact, I think that receiving from Him and yielding to Him are two of the most
challenging things we will ever do. But
once we do, the supernatural is easy.
That is why we need to let go of stressing over so many things in our
Kingdom walk and practice receiving more of His love, more of His blessing
through obedience, and yielding to His power that indwells us by the Holy
Spirit, Who is resident in all who know Christ.
So from a very
little girl until 17, I was terrified most of the time. From 17 until I was 23, I didn’t exercise much
wisdom and often found myself in harm’s way by my own ignorance (but what do
you expect from a young only child of 17 who leaves home and moves to a big
city 363 miles from home?) By age 23, my twin boys had died and I was divorced
before the year was over. From 23 until 28, I was going through a lot of
healing. From 28 until 32, I was given a
respite to give all of my attention to raising an amazing strong-willed little
toddler named Abigail – who God would form and forge into a bold and beautiful
tool in His mighty hand! J From 32 to 34, continuing to raise my
daughter; the Lord took me into the realm of His glory to train me in
intercession - two of the best years of my entire life! Then from 34 – 45, I was in the school of
hard training, some of the greatest years of preparation for my destiny. It was not always good to me but ALWAYS very
good for me. It was the best of times
and the worst of times all at the same time!
It was either really great or really hard. But boy did I grow and learn so much! God fashioned my character, burnt out a spirit
of religion, filled me with His loving compassion for the lost and a passion to
heal and disciple the Body of Christ.
In the Fall of 2007
through the Spring of 2008, He completely annihilated fear in my life. I’ll never forget it as long as I live. And He did it through a very frightening
experience – one that He warned me was coming 6 months before it happened. I read once how Rees Howells (who was a great
Welsh intercessor between late 1800 to early 1900) went out into a field and
agonized over something the Lord showed him so much that he literally lost
weight through sweating and crying. My
experience felt much like that one. But
once it was finally over, God had redeemed me, He had restored me and wrought
something in me that has never left - COURAGE and the ability to walk with Him
and trust Him, even in the toughest and lowest of valleys. This experience, interestingly had nothing to
do with death either. It was about people
and the fear of man and the multiple levels of fear that come with our interactions
with others – rejection, judgment, misunderstanding, confusion, torment, – you name
it – He allowed me to experience it all in one event.
I had never felt so in the dark in my life immediately
following that event. But He came to me in my
darkness and whispered, “Endure hardship as a good soldier.” With tears, I
snapped back, “I don’t even want to hear it!”
He was silent for another three hours as I sat in the darkness,
completely numb and emotionally raw. But in loving grace, He returned and gently said,
“I know this is hard for you. But if you
will trust Me and take My hand and walk with Me to the end of this road, I will
pour out blessings on you that you will find hard to believe!” And that next act of faith, taking hold of
Him to do what was emotionally impossible for me in the weeks that followed, He
made good His word! The season that
followed that difficult test has been the greatest season of my life thus
far. Once again, I had to take hold of Him to heal my emotions but He was faithful, just like always. And now I will be 50 years old this Friday
and my heart is so full of anticipation for what is just around the bend! I don’t know what the future holds but I know
for a solid fact who holds my future!
You cannot argue with the pure experience of His truth - and the truth I
have experienced has served to set me free and fill me the confidence of His
power and love.
When I do finally
leave this earth (and that decision is in His hands, let me tell you), I want
to go out in a blaze of glory! If He
returns before I die, I want to be caught in the very act of serving Him
diligently. I owe my life many times
over to Him and now, like a freed slave in the Old Testament who desires to
remain with their master, I have driven an awl through my ear and I am forever
His (see Exodus 21). My life is not my
own, I have been bought with a price!
This God-Man Jesus, this conquering King of Kings – My BIG brother - has
been so good to me, it would take a book to recount how much!
Mrs. Valiant is
alive and well and not just in the pages of “Hinds Feet on High Places.” As my eyes remain on Him, although I am not
perfect and still stumble in many ways; in a sea of grace, I am transformed day
after day into His likeness. And one day
I will join Him, my boys who’ve gone on before me, and my precious family who
love Him and we will forever rejoice as we rule and reign with the One our souls
love!
And that is how
Much Afraid became Mrs. Valiant.
(Not detailed
enough? Pray for me to write the book!)
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